I’m not usually good at something the first
time when it comes to
physical endeavors. I think I attended two
softball practices before I got hit in the head with a fastball and never came
back. I played soccer for the local
leagues for three years but was always stuck playing the same
position—defense. In P.E. I dreaded any
team sport that involved a ball and a racket, net, or any other kind of
obstacle that you had to throw, kick, or fling a ball into. I preferred running, gymnastics, or any type
of physical activity that didn’t require me to coordinate my clumsy physical
exertions with anyone else's.
In my twenties I really got into
running. I ran 5ks, 10ks, quarter marathons,
half marathons and full marathons, because to me, running (especially long
distance running) was all about mental
stamina. And that, I had plenty of. I wasn’t the quickest runner or the most
efficient, but I was the runner who smiled the whole time and crossed the
finish line with a heel click. I truly
enjoyed spending time with myself inside my head—and finding new ways to take
my mind off of the fact that my legs felt like burning tree stumps. It never occurred to me that the inner
dialogue I engaged in during these sometimes excruciating moments could be
considered to some as meditation.
For me, meditation wasn’t one of those
things I was dying to try. Generally, I
stay away from “trends” and meditating seemed like one more trend that I
didn’t’ want to get caught up in—kind of like skinny jeans, e-readers and
apps. Yet, one early spring day my
enlightened office mate Ben asks me, “Hey, do you meditate?” Immediately images of being folded up in an
impossible position on the floor quietly listening to my “inner voice” flooded
my brain. Being bored to tears…just sitting there…waiting for some great
awakening. “No,” I said breaking my inner-visioning,
“It has actually never occurred to me to try.”
“You should try it,” Ben replied, then began rattling off the benefits
of meditation and how it has helped him uncover peace in his own life. I believed him, because amidst the neurotic,
competitive, and socially awkward arena of graduate school, Ben seemed
remarkably chill and grounded. I replied to his convincing meditation “pro”
list with, “I’ll have to give it a try”, and continued writing my lecture notes
for the afternoon’s discussion on cross-national perspectives of income
equality.
I
didn’t think much more on the topic of meditation for days. But I could tell that I was headed in the
direction of another not-so-happy episode in my life. It was like clockwork. I would hit a short period of fluidity in my
life filled with contentment and clarity—followed by an agonizing three-month
downward spiral of struggle and uncertainty.
It was almost as if there was an expiration
date on my happiness. Kind of like one of those crazy car
dealership commercials…
Come
on down! We have a special on happiness
today! We have all kinds of
happiness: unconditional love,
abundance, joy, self-esteem. But we only
have a limited supply! Come visit us on
the corner of elation and gratitude today!
Then,
in that fast, deceitful speech:
Restrictions apply. Only available between the dates of May 25th
through June 2nd. Void in
states of mind that prohibit you from accepting yourself and others around
you. Call your maker for details.
I’m not asking to be happy 100% of the
time. I’m not asking to reach that level
where I am told that I have inoperable brain cancer but can still muster the
energy to optimistically dance in the street and declare my eventual undeniable
success in beating an incurable malady.
No. I am asking to be able to
love myself, my husband and my children without condition. I am asking to avoid second and triple
guessing myself, and to put down my heavy knapsack of guilt, inadequacy and
fastidiousness everywhere I go. That’s all.
If there was a God, surely He
would have made it a little easier for me to function. Hell, He would have made it easier for everyone to function. Instead, millions endure alienation,
humiliation and toil just to meet basic human needs.
I cannot focus on my school work. I’m supposed to be reading articles that will
inform my nebulous dissertation topic, but despair creeps into every fold of my
despondent brain. “Damn,” I think to myself, “Here
I go again. I just wish I KNEW that I am
going to be okay, that I am headed in the right direction, that I have a
purpose...” I pull the cap off of my
yellow highlighter and mindlessly accent a passage in the journal article under
the “limitations and suggestions” section. Then, amidst the rambunctious voice of my
inner-critic, I hear a comforting voice assert, “There IS a God, and He loves you.”
Instantly, something in me responds with
a genuine knowing Mona Lisa smile. Before
I have time to doubt what was just revealed to me, my mind instantly replays my
conversation with Ben, my officemate, about meditation. Spontaneously, I re-cap my highlighter, push
myself away from the small wooden dining room table and head for my inviting
coffee-brown over-sized sofa. I plop
down comfortably in my “TV watching” pose, but instead decide to cross my legs
and straighten my back. I then take a
deep, relaxing breath and gently close my eyes.
Alright, I completed steps one and two of meditating—sit like a pretzel
(check), close eyes and relax (check, check).
I wasn’t really sure what to expect
next. The only thing I witnessed was the
back of my quivering eyelids, and so far, nothing magical was happening at all.
Frustrated, I reposition myself, settling deeper into the couch cushion
and coerced myself into a deeper relaxation.
In
milliseconds I was catapulted into an expansive void whose form and color
changed fluidly like a futuristic neon billboard.
There were blues, greens, pinks and yellows…pulsating and shifting left
and right, up and down, and in and out.
This formless thing looked
alive!
Just
as I was beginning to wonder how it was even possible to have this experience,
I felt myself leaving the colorful presence and being drawn into a bright white
light amidst a curtain of black. Like
the colossal rainbow-colored animate being, this bright light also seemed very alive.
I pulled back even farther to witness a spherical luminescent shape. In the center was a bright column of piercing
blue-white light which looked like two funnels with their narrow sides butted
against each other. Beautiful bands of
energy dove in and out of the funnels like a self-generating never-ending light
bulb.
Suddenly I found my own spirit merge with
the elegant flood of energy. I felt
“charged” as an astonishing and comforting rush of energy flow through me. Although I could not sense the rhythm of my own
heart at the moment, I felt as if my whole being pulsated to the rhythm of the
Universe. It was at this moment I felt
the ultimate Truth of existence—We Are All One.
Jim Carey has a very touching story that reminds me of how I felt in my own "awakening" at 7:28 in this video called "Awakening":
I would *LOVE* to hear your stories about your "wake up call". Please write it below in the comments section OR e-mail me. I will never use your stories for any other purpose but personal enjoyment.
In La Kesh
["I Am another you"]
~*Sophia Alcyone*~
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